You remember Cerry, right? The guy I kind of have a crush on? Well, I found out today that he has a girlfriend. It's okay, though.
I have a bigger problem. I NEED HELP. I think I'm going insane.
How many times do you fall on the gym floor, you're out of breath from playing tag, your asthma is killing you and you start cracking up? Not often, I suppose.
It wasn't just today, though. For the past few weeks I've been killing myself from the inside out. I get really depressed, then really hyper, then I don't feel anything. Then I feel like doing things I never do. Then at night, something upsetting (even just slightly) happens and I go and cry in my room, scream in my pillow, pound my fists on my bed, and bite my pillows, sheets, and hands. I still have a bruise on my hand from a few nights ago.
The problem...do you want to know what the huge problem is? It's the fact that I have NOWHERE to put my anger; NO WAY to let it out. I can't curse, I can't scream, I can rarely cry (but even when I do, it doesn't help much), I can't hurt anyone, I can't hurt myself, I can't bite anymore things or I'm going to need braces in a few weeks. Either these things hurt me or they're sinning.
Cursing: Technically, cursing is a sin. Cursing people and non-Christians, please do not comment to me about this. Honestly, I don't want to hear it.
Screaming: Must I state the obvious? I live in a small, Christian town. People will think I'm being raped.
Crying: It hardly helps, and if I cry, people ask what's wrong. If they do, all I can answer is, "I don't know."
Hurting people: How I wish I could just KILL someone!! I want to rip the heads off of everyone who's ever made me angry, even just the small things! Someone walking behind me today stepped on the back of my shoe (only once) and I felt like I needed to turn around and stomp as hard as I could on his foot!
Hurting myself: Sometimes I'm so angry that I don't feel the pain I give myself (biting or scratching, that is), but other times I can feel it and I just can't do it.
Biting: As I said, I'm going to need braces soon if I keep that up.
I'm having an anger crisis here. Every small thing that aggravates me just builds up this rage, and I can't let it out.
Because of this, I get very depressed, or angry inside, and my friends seem unimportant to me. Then I go hyper and crazy, my mind is spinning, and my friends think I'm crazy (which I am). Then I get home, rather content or bored, and at night I break down on my bed and fall asleep like that. When I wake up in the morning, I'm normal again. Then something happens (again, even something small or normal) and my whole day is ruined. I forgot to get my mom to sign a paper last night. That ruined my day today.

HELP. I BEG YOU. I'm going insane! MAKE IT STOP!!

~chesu

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